Letter to Ben

Hi Benny boy,

Did you know we are both the oldest child in our family?  This means we both got to be the first to do most things in our families which is kind of cool.  This also means that our parents got to experience most of the firsts with us.  This means that my parents and your parents (me and Dad) were new at each experience.  Not yet seasoned with each stage a child goes through.

I know that sometimes I expect too much of you and that I don't always understand what exactly it is that I should expect from a seven year old boy but I'm trying my best.  Trying my best to be open to learning with you and trying my best to give you just what you need.  I know though that I don't always do the best job with this.

I hope one day you will look back and know that the times I pushed too hard or expected you to be too grown up were because you are my first and I am learning just like you.  Not because I was mean or because there was anything wrong with you.

I want to be the best mom I can be for you and I know you always try to be the best boy you can be for me.  It might not always feel like it but I think we are the best partners for each in other in this land of firsts.  I can't think of any other boy I would rather do it with, you are my first forever and always.

Your Crazy Momma

Letters to Ben

Dear Ben,

Each night for the past three you have come down the stairs crying after we put you to bed. You are worried Mom and Dad are going to die and that you won't see us anymore. I remember feeling the same feelings about my parents when I was your age and I looked through the photo album at them.

Each night we have reassured you that we aren't going anywhere but you are getting older and while this answer might satisfy Jack you dig deeper. "But you will die one day and then I won't see you anymore." On the third night this happened (which I suspect may have happened because you got to come cuddle Mom and Dad in our bed on the first two nights) you really got me thinking. Life has no guarantees which means we need to be grateful and enjoy each day we have because each one is a gift. Of course people say this all the time but your questions made me realize they weren't just words it was real. We are only on this earth for a few short years and then we move on.

I tried explaining to you that by the time Mommy and Daddy go you will be grown up with your own children. I don't think you could conceptualize this quite yet. So I focused on the one thing I know for sure. It is true that one day our bodies will grow too old for this earth but I know we will meet again in heaven so really we never need worry about saying goodbye.

Love you Ben.

Letters to Ben

Dear Ben,

Last night you read to me before you went to bed. Your voice sounded like a little angel to me. It is amazing to me how well you are reading now. Only last summer we were doing our best to get you to learn to read some simple stories and this summer you are writing your own stories and reading with an amazing flow.

It made me remember the other times your voice has made my heart boil up. Remember the Ontario commercial? "Good things grow in Ontario" Of course there is also the waving flags song "When I get older I will be stronger" That almost had Daddy in tears when you came out with that.

I will miss this little boy voice. Each day it is moving a little further from us. Funny how some days you might wish for a quiet moment (or moments) but in the end you will be chasing those little voices even when they are long gone just for one more listen. Making it all the more important to suck it all up as much as possible while it is right here with us.

I love you,

Mom

P.S. do you have to keep growing up so fast???